March 2010 Archives

Most of the time, I live my life like the squirrels on campus live theirs. 

I do what I have to get done, stick pretty much to myself and try to draw as little attention to myself as possible. 

But there are other things I have in common with the squirrels. I spend most of my life looking for food to eat, and everyone knows that beneath my go-with-the-flow attitude, I'm really up to no good.

Think about the last time you spent a nice afternoon outside the Union, eating a sandwich, engaging in a staring contest with that innocent-looking squirrel. He seemed as though he was just enjoying sharing the common space of the world with his human brother or sister. But really, you knew he was sizing you up, weighing his chances to steal that meatball sub right out of your greasy fingers.

In my own subtle way, I'm always looking for ways to stick it to the Man. If you're like me, less of an outright rabble-rouser and more of a sneak-extra-packets-of-Splenda-into-you-coat-pockets type of corporate Erin Brockovich, you're going to love this week's recipe. 

STICK-IT-TO-THE-MAN DUMPLINGS
Homemade anything sounds all hoity-toity, not to mention extremely expensive. But never fear! You too can make "homemade" deep-fried Chinese dumplings out of the things that are in your fridge (and from a lot of things you can buy on campus). Consider it a tiny middle finger to those haughty culinary know-it-alls.

You'll need:

Flour, water, meat, veggies, oil, seasonings and honey

Really. That's it.

Pour about a cup of flour (one cup yields enough to feed two comfortably) into a bowl and start to add water. In the end you should get a ball of dough that isn't hard or dry but isn't sticky either. Cover with a wet paper towel and let sit.

The filling is your canvas for creativity. I like to use leftover chicken or pork (you can get chopped up grilled chicken at Outtakes in Offenhauer that work just perfectly for this) diced and mixed with whatever veggies I can find. 

Put all your ingredients into a skillet, and sauté in butter and honey. If you like a little heat, now is the perfect time to add chili powder and pepper. Once cooked all the way through, put the filling onto a plate to cool.

In the same skillet, heat up about half an inch of oil. While the oil is heating, take tablespoon-sized pieces of dough, and flatten them into discs. You've got to make the dough as thin as possible, or you are going to have a thick and nasty failure on your hands. 

Onto the thin circle of dough goes a tablespoon of filling. Fold the dough so you have a half-moon shaped dumpling, and crimp the edges closed with a fork.

Carefully drop the dumpling in the oil. Keep a close eye on the cooking because it will be perfect and brown and delicious in no time. Drain onto a plate with a paper towel to wick up the extra oil.

This perfectly easy and tasty meal can be finished with any number of things that can be bought on campus -- Uncle Ben's rice, Ramen noodles or bagged salads make delicious choices.
The hardest part of my day is facing myself in the mirror and coming to terms with my freshman 15 (and my sophomore 20 and my junior 25). 

Considering the horrific things going on in our world, I guess this little dilemma doesn't rank too high on the things-that-are-actually-important list. But similar to the way Main Street gets a little hazy when you're looking at it Saturday night through your beer goggles, my bedroom mirror seems to become the fun house mirror from hell any time my self-esteem is low and my pity-party-tolerance is high.

At times such as these, most would probably suggest I suck it up, wipe the snot off from under my pathetically dripping nose and make a trip down to the ol' Rec Center. 

My vegan friend advocates less processed foods; my meat-eating friend has been known to offer me a bite of the half-eaten burger in his book bag. I've tried everything from adding more fiber to using less carbs, drinking more water to eating less sugar. One time I tried to eat only fruit and protein shakes (and an entire bag of colored marshmallows when my roommate wasn't looking).

At this point I bet you think I'm going to give you a recipe for a healthy, and probably meal-plan-friendly, easy-peasy meal. Instead, let me introduce you to my new favorite guilty pleasure: deep-fried avocados. 


Deep-fried avocados, recipe for satisfaction
1 cup of beer
2 cups of flour
A pinch of garlic powder
A pinch of salt
A pinch of pepper
Vegetable oil (enough to get about 1/4 inch up the side of a pan)
2 avocados


Start by pouring your oil into a pan and heating it over medium-high heat. Mix together the beer, flour, garlic powder, salt and pepper. This is the most important time to make sure the taste is right. Once you like the taste, judge the consistency of the batter. If it's too runny, add more flour. If it's too gloppy, add more beer. In the end, you should have a batter that is thick enough to grip the avocado without becoming too heavy on the slices. Let this stand while you peel the avocados and cut each into six wedges. 

In general, the colder the avocado, the easier it will stay together during this whole process. Also, the cooler temps help the batter stick the best. You'll know your oil is ready to go when a splash of water dances on the surface.

Dredge each piece of avocado in the batter, shake off any excess and drop into the oil. These things cook up really fast, so keep a watchful eye on the level of brownness you've got going on. Flip each avocado once before fishing it out with a slotted spoon or a pair of tongs.
I'd suggest allowing each deep-fried gift from God to drain off a bit of that oil onto a piece of paper towel or recycled brown grocery bag. That way, you can tell your reflection in the mirror that it's not as bad for you as it seems.
What do Johnny Depp, Renee Zellweger and Dick Van Dyke have in common? Other than their dashing good looks and big, fat wallets, it seems these Hollywood actors are as different as John Wayne and Communism. Upon closer examination one begins to see a pattern. Along with likes of Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep and Reese Witherspoon, our unlikely trio is among the ranks of Yanks sporting British accents in major roles. 

Not all of us have the time (or the moolah) to hitch up our wagons and make a trip to the old country. So, when we start to pine for the things of Dukes and Danes, but don't have the plane ticket to make it happen, I suggest we do as the proverbial "Romans" do. We've got to fake it until we make it, my fellow Americans. And the first stop on our imaginary tour is, of course, the cuisine. Meal plan style.

Apples and Cheese
The easiest and most meal-plan friendly way to feel like you're sitting at a street café in France instead of your 10 by 8, snow-logged dorm room, is to break out a taste sensation often overlooked by mainstream American eaters. Any combo of cheese and apple is to die for, but my favorite bastardized recipe is Granny Smith and cheddar. Sure, real Europeans are making fun of you. But your stomach is saying thank you.

Tomato and Cream Cheese Crackers
Alright, I'll be honest. I have no real evidence that this recipe is related to Europe at all. I made it up two days ago when in a mood for sweet and salty. But, it's just weird enough that when you make it you can probably convince your friends that it came straight out of your great-great-Nonna's secret recipe box.

Cube up a fresh tomato or drain a can of tomato pieces and put them into an oven-safe pan. Season with a generous pinch of salt (garlic or onion salt is even better) and a healthy dash of pepper. Roast until fragrant, probably about 10 minutes at 400 degrees. While the tomatoes are in the oven, slather Ritz crackers with cream cheese. Top each cracker with a bite of cooked tomato, which can be eaten hot or cold.