Johnny "Cougar" Mellencamp topped the nation's music charts when he wrote the song that tried to explain the thin line between kissing someone's face off and pummeling them in the stomach. "Sometimes love don't feel like it should," kids, and if the Coug has taught us anything, we should learn to embrace it. These are my top ten favorite flavors that shouldn't belong together, but somehow continue to send me to foodie heaven.  

10. A slice of turkey on a blueberry muffin: It's breakfast. It's lunch. Let's not call it brunch because that's what all the grandparents call it. How about we go with Lunchfast? Or Lunch Break? Fine, "brunch" it is.  

9. Fritos dipped in caramel: A classic born at my lunch table in high school. And it's much more appetizing than the weird Milk + Italian Dippers (which were just yesterday's hotdog buns with melted cheese on them, for the record) combo that was created at the boys' table.  

8. Cold pizza sprinkled with garlic salt: I like this better than fresh-from-the-microwave pizza. Next time you go to nuke that piece of Papa John's, just say no. It's gross. And we're all judging you.  

7. French fries dipped in vanilla soft serve: Another one of those don't-mess-with-em classics. I feel like if Jenny and Forrest were food, this is the form they would take. Although, I don't know how much I like my vanilla soft serve all sexed up and tripping on acid. 

6. Pumpkin seeds covered in buttery brown sugar and salt: I made this Wednesday night after carving a pumpkin at the Union. The only thing better than the looks I got while walking home with a plate full of pumpkin guts was the sweet and salty double punch from these delicious seeds.  

5. Mint gum and beer: Yes, I'm one of those college students who doesn't like beer. Sorry. I know there are more of you out there like me in hiding, so I offer this tiny bit of advice. Next time you get harassed into a game of beer pong, pop a piece of Orbit. It curbs that delicious "tin can" flavor that lives in most people's kegs.  

4. M&M's in movie-buttered popcorn: This shouldn't-be combo makes me feel just the right amount of bad. You know, coming in 10 minutes after curfew, feeding a stranger's expired meter kind of bad.  

3. Bacon dipped in maple syrup: My butt and thighs scream no, but my tongue and tummy disagree. Winner, winner chicken dinner, tongue and tummy. Or, I guess it'd be "winner, winner pork dinner." But that doesn't have the same ring to it.  

2. A slice of cheese on warm apple pie: Whoopi Goldberg and company said it best in the movie Sister Act. "This is better than ice cream! It's better than springtime! It's better than sex! (Awkward Pause) No, I mean - I've heard."  

1. Eggs in Purgatory: Day old mashed potatoes. Marinara sauce. Fried eggs. Put them into the metaphorical blender, and where three separates existed, only one dreamy piece of culinary mastery emerges. Add an egg and a handful of pancake mix to the leftover taters. Pan fry into a potato pancake. Finally, top with a butter-fried egg and a dollop of warm spaghetti sauce.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I'd invite Jesus, Conan O'Brian and the guy who woke up one day and decided to start a global phenomenon of people, companies, schools and governments using the phrase, "going green." 

I'd ask him how he came up with the simple, yet poignant phrase that seems to be on the tip of everyone's tongue these days. I'd probably also ask him if he'd like some ice for the giant lump I just pounded onto his face. Jesus and Conan would have to combine their powers to restrain me from continuing the inevitable beat down of this color-punny individual. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't love the environment, or that I don't think that each of us should do our part. You're talking to the kid who owns only glass Tupperware. But, should I hear the phrase "going green" or any variation of the sort (including the use of a green color scheme to illustrate environment-related topics on TV, the Internet or magazines) one more time, don't be surprised to see me in the blotter for littering. On purpose. In front of a puppy. Outside of a convent. Just to make a statement. 

Since it is about as likely for me to avoid hearing this gut-wrenching phrase as it would be likely for me to break out my extensive Pog collection after 1996, I have come up with a plan. For my own sanity, instead of "going green" this Halloween season, I'm "going orange." That is, I will be looking for ways to reduce my carbon footprint that doesn't involve emerald, olive, lime or jade. 

And the best way to "go orange" this Halloween is to use all of that pumpkin you so hilariously carved to look like it was drinking a beer--from the meat to the seeds to the gross brain-like goop. 

The love I have for food is so strong that I'm sure if food were one of the three options on Mystery Date, we'd end up together every time. There is just something so special about making that perfect dish for a perfect occasion, something so spiritual, so artistic, so sexy. There's only one other subject I'd ever use those same three words to describe -- 1990s basketball players. 

It is only fitting that today I marry the two loves of my life, my love of food and my love of sweaty, awesome haircut-wearing, short-short sporting middle-aged NBA superstars from the '90s. In light of this union, I've put together a menu that pays homage to my favorites from the David Stern Club.  

SHORT-SHORT STACK 
Perhaps some of the most memorable moments of the '90s (save the Spice Girls many No. 1 hits) had to have been Jazz superstar John Stockton's short shorts. Not only did this man play with style in the teal and purple, but also he did it with plenty of thigh to go with. In honor of Stockton's stark-white upper leg, chow down on some pancakes. Make that one pancake. That would be the shortest short-stack possible, right? 

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO'S CHICKEN FINGER WAG 
If it weren't for Dennis Rodman, this man would have been the best defensive player of the decade. But one thing Mutombo did have over Rodman? His awesome taunting finger wag. The NBA even tried to shut down the "unsportsmanlike" gesture. But did Mutombo falter? Nope. He wagged his finger at the crowd instead. To celebrate this classy move, munch on crispy, hot chicken fingers. The more ranch, the better. And if the naysayers cry that dipping in ranch is bad for you, take a page out of Mutombo's book and switch to honey barbecue. 

THE DUNKING DONUT DUTCHMAN
Rik Smits didn't only rock the rim on my favorite NBA team of all time, he rocked the coolest, most confusing nickname in the league. Move over Mailman--the Dunking Dutchman is driving the lane. There is little that can be suggested food-wise that would meet the magnitude that is this nickname, so my humble idea is to swing on through Timmy-Ho's and grab a 12 pack of TimBits. A moment of silence would be appropriate while these donuts are enjoyed. 

MULLINS MUFFINS 
You know how sometimes when you overfill cupcake or muffin tins you end up with really oddly shaped results? I can't look at the misshapen head of my too-generous muffins without thinking about another one of my beloved Indiana Pacers. Chris Mullins' flattop haircut never could hide the odd shape of his head. Enjoy warm muffins (overfilled of course to achieve the correct effect) today in memory of Chris Mullins. For fun, go ahead and frost the muffins with a buzz cut. 

GREG OYSTER-TAG SOUP 
Greg Ostertag was another great white wonder that played supporting cast to Karl Malone in the '90s. This man was so pale, he made teammate Jeff Hornacek look like he just got back from a trip to Florida. Warm up this chilly fall day with a steamy bowl of oyster soup or clam chowder. The computer paper color of your food will give you fond memories of the big Double Zero.

It couldn't have been only awesome Dinozords and an array of power weapons that made the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers so powerful. 

I can just imagine Jason, Kim, Trini, Billy, Tommy and Zach all sitting around the table, Zordon at one end of course, getting ready to start off a day of kick-ass Putty-punishing right. How do you explain the amazing ability to fight off hoards of evil space monsters, help with all those community service projects and survive the daily high school grind all in one episode?

One word. Breakfast.

We as students can learn a real lesson from Angel Grove's finest. Lots of classes and homework? Eat some breakfast to jump-start your busy day. Short on meal plan? No place to cook? Not a problem. 

We may not have Power Morphers, but we do have the next best thing to cook up our meal of champions: microwaves. I wouldn't be surprised if the two share similar technology anyway.

I felt like I was on the receiving end of one of 1990's wrestler Sting's black bat swings this morning when I stepped out of my nice, warm dorm into the wall of chilly fall air that awaited me outside. Resisting my first inclination to run screaming, hands flailing, back to the mountains of blankets piled on top of my warm bed, I instead braved the cold slap of Mother Nature's hand and begrudgingly went to my classes and work. 

The only thing keeping me going was the balmy thought of Starbucks, all of its creamy, warm goodness shimmering in my not-so-distant future. Eyes gleaming and hands shivering, I waited in a 10 minute line, only to be slapped once more when I got to the register. Four dollars a pop is just too much to maintain this college girl's internal body temperature. 

So, in defiance of big coffee, I've compiled a short list of my favorite fall-inspired warm drinks. Each of these recipes can be stretched, padding not only your stomach, but also your wallet. Plus, you can't get any pick-me-up booze in those expensive little drinks you buy at the Union.

My number one priority this weekend is to meet and woo a prominent BG grad who left this 30-thousand-something city with a diploma and a dream, and who has come back with the taste of nostalgia on his lips and a giant wad of cash in his back pocket. You know, oil tycoon. Internet business guru. Finalist on "America's Next Food Network Star." 

It's not that I'm a gold-digger, looking to secure my place as arm candy to some wealthy Falcon (though considering the job market I'm facing after graduation, trophy wife might be worth considering as a career). I have come to terms with the reality of real life after being a student. No matter how much we'd like to think our A's and philanthropies really mean to future employers, the sad truth is it is all about whom you know. Or whose name you can smoothly drop into a conversation. 

So, back to my grand plan for this homecoming weekend. Using a simple recipe that is sure to trigger a graduate's inner Falcon, not to mention his sweet tooth, I plan to "meet and woo" with my cookie that is all nostalgia and sugar. 

To make, start with your favorite cake-like cookie recipe. You can make these beauties from scratch, or do what I do and pick up a dozen from your local market or baker. Just make sure that they are thick and cake-like. Naked cupcakes would work really well for this recipe, too. 

Frost all the cookies with a thick frosting, preferably the same color as the cookies you are using. Doing this helps send the frosting into the visual background of this production. While the frosting is still wet, dip the cookies (frosting side down) into a bowl of shredded coconut. Not a coconut fan? Try using lo mein noodles or shredded Fruit Roll-Ups. Get creative on this part. 

Lastly, nestle a few round candies (M&Ms, Milk Duds, Raisins or even Runts look pretty on top) right in the middle. And voila! You're now carrying around an armful of "Falcon's Nest" cookies, just meant to be eaten over an informal interview. It's so easy to make. All you'll need to worry about is not getting frosting all over your resume.