BG News Food Blog

If I were to make a list of the things that scare me, it would be as short and unusual as Lady GaGa's Crayola-yellow wig. 

No. 1: Suffocating underneath my comforter. I can't put my head under a blanket for more than five seconds without suffering from a severe case of claustrophobia. It made fort-making as a child incredibly awkward. 

No. 2: Answering phone calls from numbers not in my caller ID. Part of me imagines the dude from "Scream" is on the other end.

No. 3: Vegan food. It's tasteless and pushed by the agenda of crazy, animal-loving, naked people. (Shudder.)

But as one gets older, one must start to face her fears. And seeing as every time one of these three confronts me, there is no bolt of lightning and no horse whinny like the one Dr. Frankenstein received after saying, "Frau Blücher." Perhaps I have less to fear than I imagined. 

I still won't keep my head under a blanket for any extended length of time. And I'll probably still wince every time 10 unknown numbers show up on my cell. But today, I take a step in the right direction, for all of us quaking over the idea of "vegan" anything.

I Can't Believe It's Vegan!

Here is a list of unbelievably vegan foods. It can make even the heartiest meat-eater among us become a shining example of animal rights activism. Go ahead, face your fear, feel good about yourself. Get the complete list at http://www.peta.org/accidentallyVegan/default.asp.

Apple Jacks

Betty Crocker Bisquick

Blow pops

Bubble Tape gum

Cap'n Crunch Cereal Peanut Butter Crunch

Cocoa Puffs

Cracker Jacks

Doritos spicy sweet chili flavored Tortilla chips

Dots

Duncan Hines creamy home-style Frosting (chocolate)

Famous Amos sandwich cookies

Fritos (original and barbecue)

Frosted Flakes

Fruit By the Foot

Ghirardelli hot chocolate 

Green Giant cream style sweet corn

Healthy Choice garden vegetable soup

Jell-O instant pudding (pistachio, banana crème, lemon and vanilla)

Keebler animal crackers

Keebler Ready crust pie crusts (graham cracker)

Kool-Aid drink mix

Krispy Kreme fruit pies

Lay's Stax

Lay's yellow corn chips

Life cereal

Red Bull energy drink

Rice Krispies

The two most precious things about summer have to be making new discoveries and eating big, fat watermelons. And if I were to name a third, it would probably be watching shirtless Jake down the street mow the neighbor's lawn. But let's keep that between you and me.

As luck would have it, during the nicest day of the year so far, I have seen the first two precious summarizing aspects of my list combine in the most wonderful way. While surfing the Internet this afternoon looking for something to write this very food column about, I came across the coolest Web site (enter precious thing numero uno). And the title of the Web site? The official site of the National Watermelon Promotion Board (enter precious thing numero dos). 

I've compiled just a few gems from this godsend of a site, www.watermelon.org. If you can tear yourself away from the 70-degree weather to get down to Kroger and buy one of summer's most cherished edibles, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Watermelon Yogurt Mint Smoothie

(Watermelon, Honey, Mint,   Yogurt, Cinnamon)

Ingredients:

1-to-2 cups seedless watermelon chunks 

1 tablespoon honey 

1 tablespoon fresh mint leaves or to taste 

1 cup lemon yogurt 

Dash cinnamon

Instructions:

Puree the watermelon, honey and mint quickly -- do not over blend. Pulse in the yogurt and cinnamon until smooth.

Serves: one or two.

Maple Citrus Watermelon Glazed Chicken

(Watermelon, Chicken, Maple Syrup, Lemon, Soy Sauce, Garlic, Ginger)

Watermelon Glaze Ingredients:

2 cups watermelon puree 

Juice from 3 fresh lemons 

1 tablespoon lemon zest 

1/2 cup maple syrup 

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

 

Instructions:

Simmer ingredients together in a heavy saucepan for 20 minutes or until sauce is thick.

Servings: Makes 2 cups. Keep warm. 

Chicken Ingredients:Skinless, boneless chicken breast splits 

2 cups pineapple juice 

1/2 cup soy sauce 

1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger 

3 cloves minced fresh garlic

Instructions: Place the chicken in a large zipper-lock bag with rest of the ingredients, and seal tightly. Allow to marinate at least two hours or up to 12. Grill until cooked and arrange on a warm platter. Pour the glaze over the chicken and serve immediately.

Serves: eight.

Watermelon Cupcakes

(Watermelon, Cupcakes, Pineapple Cream Cheese Frosting, Sprinkles)

Ingredients:

8 cupcake liners

8 cupcake shaped pieces of seedless watermelon, (see below)

2 cups pineapple cream cheese frosting Sprinkles for garnish

Instructions: 

Place the liners in an 8-cup cupcake tin.  Cut 3-inch thick slices of seedless watermelon. Cut round cupcake-sized pieces from the slices.  Put a watermelon "cupcake" in each liner.  Place a dollop of frosting on each cupcake.  Decorate as desired with sprinkles. 

Serves: eight.

The first time I ever hosted a sleep over, I was in 2nd grade, and the girl I invited kicked my then-5-year-old brother off of the top of my bunk bed because she didn't want his cooties. Also, she pressured me into reading this really scary book I didn't want to read. In the dark. Which meant getting into my bedroom closet, as it was only six in the afternoon when she decided to call on Bloody Mary and scare the living crap out of me.

Needless to say, it wasn't the quintessential makeover-giving, pillow-slinging, giggle-inducing little girl's sleep over. In fact, I look on that day as a dark mark on my otherwise bare forearm of party-hosting.

But this weekend, I have one of those re-do opportunities available to few and coveted by many (including, but not limited to Tiger Woods, O-Town, Bill Buckner and George Pickett). My sister's 8th birthday is this weekend, and I'm chaperoning. I'm also in charge of snacks.

Technicolor Drinks

One really easy spruce up to any party's clear beverages is to make brightly colored ice cubes ahead of time. Each tray should boast a different color (unless the party is themed toward a single color) of Kool-aid ice cubes. Once added to Sprite, these ice cubes melt and mix partygoers' drinks into brews worthy of Dorothy and Toto.

Critter Crunch

Another meal-plan friendly party snack is called Critter Crunch. The recipe I found came from Betty Crocker, but the idea transcends any real hard and fast rule, so use what you can and have fun. One way to make it is to mix animal crackers, Teddy Grahams, pretzels, yogurt-covered raisins and M&Ms into a big bowl and dish out into colored ice-cream cones.

Full Moons (aka Stuffed Crescent Rolls)

This next idea is as unbelievably delicious as it is easy. Break open a tube of crescent rolls, and before you turn them over into those picture-perfect bundles, layer on your favorite spread. Peanut butter is a sure-fire winner, and jam or jelly can be light and festive. The best idea though, is to use Nutella (or the off brand version like, cough, yours truly) for a yummy chocolate alternative.

Make-Your-Own Mystic Pizza

Plain old English muffins get a severe makeover when slathered with sweet and salty pizza sauce. If you have to use spaghetti sauce, no one will know. Leave out a variety of shredded cheese and toppings, being sure to give partiers the option of some weird selections. Try adding mango, bacon, avocado or cashews to the standard green pepper and pepperoni choices.

The thermometer is finally starting to read temperatures that don't belong to the Artic that we've come to terms within Ohio, and all over campus, students are emerging from their Ugg-boots-and-BG-sweats hibernation outfits. To be quite honest, I'm not sure it's warm enough for some of the booty-revealing short shorts and the barely-there flyaway skirts I've been seeing around campus, but I guess once the temps hit 50, you might as well declare the University a full-fledged, summer-obsessed disaster zone.

Instead of fighting it, I donned the season's first pair of flip flops, and convinced myself that the sun shining on my feet was making them warmer than they felt. I also had to convince myself to do a little sprucing to the terribly pale and much ignored feet I had been hiding all winter.

In honor of spring (and less clothing on campus in general), I've compiled a few food-based recipes that will get your skin all ready to be bared. Keep in mind, food only goes on parts of your body--not in them. 

Homemade anything sounds all hoity-toity, not to mention extremely expensive. But never fear! You too can make "homemade" deep-fried Chinese dumplings out of the things that are in your fridge (and from a lot of things you can buy on campus). Consider it a tiny middle finger to those haughty culinary know-it-alls.

Deep-fried avocados, recipe for satisfaction

The easiest and most meal-plan friendly way to feel like you're sitting at a street café in France instead of your 10 by 8, snow-logged dorm room, is to break out a taste sensation often overlooked by mainstream American eaters. Any combo of cheese and apple is to die for, but my favorite bastardized recipe is Granny Smith and cheddar. Sure, real Europeans are making fun of you. But your stomach is saying thank you.
Alright, I'll be honest. I have no real evidence that this recipe is related to Europe at all. I made it up two days ago when in a mood for sweet and salty. But, it's just weird enough that when you make it you can probably convince your friends that it came straight out of your great-great-Nonna's secret recipe box.

Cube up a fresh tomato or drain a can of tomato pieces and put them into an oven-safe pan. Season with a generous pinch of salt (garlic or onion salt is even better) and a healthy dash of pepper. Roast until fragrant, probably about 10 minutes at 400 degrees. While the tomatoes are in the oven, slather Ritz crackers with cream cheese. Top each cracker with a bite of cooked tomato, which can be eaten hot or cold.

The Super Bowl is an easy out for any self-respecting food columnist. The only thing more synonymous with the Super Bowl than--duh--football is the marathon of stuffing one's face with wings, dip and a plethora of deep fried classics.

So, naturally, my column right before the big show should play to the tune of "Top 10 Ways to Give Your Friends Heart Attacks," or maybe, "44 Foods Shaped Like Drew Brees' Hair." Right?

Wrong-o.

Instead of following the path most travelled, I'm going to savagely take advantage of this platform allotted me to talk some major Super Bowl smack. Don't fret, though. I'll make it food related. Somehow.

Peyton Manning is the Man(wich)
Break out your favorite meat-product and chow down this Sunday while watching Peyton Manning be generally awesome. Aside from his unprecedented four MVP awards, his glimmering Super Bowl ring from '07, and his roguish good looks, the middle Manning is just plain hilarious. Remember when #18 was on "Saturday Night Live?" If his passes to Garcon are nearly as accurate as his throws that beam small children in the back/head, then the Colts have this one in the bag.

Reggie (Bruce) Wayne's Got Wings
Since Val Kilmer in "Batman Forever," there's been nothing that flies smoother into a party than buffalo wings in a variety of sauces. Chow down and sit back while Mr. Wayne dazzles the Saints' defensive secondary with his blazing speed and wits. So, according to my equation, Reggie = Batman and The Saints = The Joker. You, me and Heath Ledger all know how that equation pans out.

Reggie Bush Bakes Beans
Don't forget to adorn your dining room table with a piping hot crock pot of America's favorite sweet baked beans. Sure, Bush is talented. He's dangerous. He's elusive. But he's as inconsistent on the field as he was in Kim Kardashian's bedroom. I mean, why else would that relationship not have worked out? If elementary recess has taught me anything about beans, it's that "the more you eat, the more you toot," so to finish off my stretched metaphor, Reggie Bush is smelly.

The Saints are the Under (Mini Hot) Dogs
One thing we can all agree to celebrate is that, finally, yours truly can root for the team that's not coming into the game last place, far fetched and Bo-Sox-esque. If nothing else, the Colts are winners, which makes eating those crowd-pleasing, smile-winning mini hot dogs even more satisfying. And to all of you who don't have a team in the game Sunday and who naturally root for the underdogs, cut me a break. You're talking to the girl who's been an Indiana Pacers fan since birth. And I know that more than a few of you Browns fans out there feel my pain every time Brady Quinn steps into his uniform.

Let's play a game. I'll say a word, and you say the first word that pops into your brain.

Cat. (Meow). 

Carrot. (Top). 

Nancy Pelosi. (Miss Havisham).

Now let's try one that's a little harder. What do you think of when I say the word, "bachelor?" I asked this question to my buddy in class and he immediately said, "party." The kid next to him, whom I've never talked to before mind you, offered, "pad," and then an awkward giggle. Other popular responses were, "'s degree," "ette," and "the." 

I, on the other hand, immediately think of my dad's famous Bachelor's Special when the topic of unmarried males is brought up--and now that I think of it, perhaps that was my father's plan all along... 

The Bachelor Special is basically what McDonalds ripped off from my dad and called their "McGriddle." The only difference is that The Bachelor Special is heaven on earth instead of regret in stomach. A word of warning to those who attempt this recipe: a key ingredient is my dad's magic touch. So unless you are Kirby and can swallow my dad to gain his Copy Abilities, this blog is more informational than useful.

THE BACHELOR'S SPECIAL
This hangover-curing recipe begins with the making of pancakes. Either box or homemade versions will work--the only qualification is that the pancakes must be delicious and fluffy. An easy way to ensure that your pancakes don't get tough is to only flip them one time. No pressure or anything. Butter up the pancakes to your unhealthy liking.

This next part requires a certain je ne sais quoi, so practice really makes perfect. Brown your favorite brand of sausage and cut up into bite-sized pieces. While they are cooking, crack some eggs into a bowl and mix heartily with a splash of milk, a pinch of salt and a dash of pepper. Once the sausage is cooked or heated through, add the egg mixture. The goal is to get an egg and sausage patty that is about the size of a pancake and this is a lot more appetizing than the fast food counterpart.

Stack all of the delicious layers and douse in syrup. The Bachelor's Special is best if eaten in conjunction with the biggest glass of orange juice you can muster.

he men who have impacted my life are as varied as the phases I went through in high school (the Capri pants and tall sock phase was by far the worst). My dad taught me not to take people's crap; my fiancé taught me that people really can be perverted all the time; Reggie Miller taught me to feign injuries to get what I want.

I learned to take on the man when Jimmy Stewart went to Washington, and I learned how to forgive and forget when Harry Potter named his son Severus. 

But the best lesson I ever learned was to laugh at myself (at least as much as I laugh at others). I owe this education to one giant, fiery-haired, spaghetti noodle of a man -- Mr. Conan O'Brien.

To honor the funny man turned corporate punching bag, I've compiled a menu of all of my favorite Conan-inspired things. Consider it a menu to be enjoyed at the funeral of late night.

In the Year 3000 Island Dressing: In the year 3000, this dressing will still look like the gagged-up combo of mayo, ketchup, Tobasco sauce and pickles that it is made of.

The Max Weinburg Special: Just try eating a chicken breast or Heinz's spotted dick without feeling awkward.

Triumph the Insult Corn Dog: Making inappropriate comments to women becomes much easier while chomping on an apropos prop.

Conando Supreme: Todo es mejor en español. Bailé con el pepino. ¿Vea?

Masturbating bear claws: Perfect for those times you just want to enjoy a little solo satisfaction.